Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I’m lost
by 0414throwaway on Hacker News.
Been professionally developing since my teens. Was the first person in the history of my university who was both a fulltime student and full time employee. Exceeded in all expectations at every job. Became the founding CTO of a start-up, put my heart and soul into it, and we sold for low 8 figures. Started a second company with some of the same people but directions started to diverge and I left. I moved to a different state for another job. Became a freelancer for a while. One of the guys who was at both start-ups recruited me into his current company with a total comp far exceeding what I asked for. All mortgages, car notes, and credit cards are paid off and our investments are enough for our day-to-day. I’m really only working for the health insurance. But I’ve never been more unhappy and lost. I used to joke that I would be dead by the time I was 40 though stopped because The Wife hated hearing it but I do feel like I have no plan past this point. Being in pandemic lock down during this time hasn’t helped. I told my therapist that I feel like I’ve hit my mid-life crisis, though not your typical one as I’m not going out and buying a muscle car to cruise high schools. I know I’m depressed and have been for the majority of my life. Been in therapy for a while and tried various pills (didn’t help), TMS (somewhat helped), and thinking about trying Ketamine. I feel like I’ve hit my zenith already and it’s just a slow decline from here on out. I’ve been dreading this day because it’s a sad reminder of that.